“After time, grief is a part of your life, but it is not your entire life anymore”
“You are going to lose your baby.”
What happens when your worst fear in pregnancy comes true?
In this very deep and personal interview Kara Peel, mum of three, talks about the tragic loss of her first baby, Lucy.
Lucy was born at 20 weeks.
In this episode of The Tough Mothers Podcast and Tough Mothers TV, Kara delves into her grief of Lucy’s death. She very courageously speaks about everything from how she felt leaving the hospital, to the all-consuming grief she experienced, to how she personally grew out of the trauma of losing her only daughter.
As baby loss, including miscarriage, is so common, I would like to advise that this episode may be triggering from some viewers and listeners. Kara really wanted to share her true journey with you as she is an advocate for talking about baby loss, the grief it brings, and the awareness we need to help raise to better support parents who have lost their child.
This is a must listen/view episode if you have experienced baby loss or love someone who has been through it, or is currently experiencing it.
In this episode of The Tough Mothers Podcast and Tough Mothers TV you will learn:
- ✓ About the grief of losing a baby
- ✓ The taboos and societal expectations that exist around this type of grief
- ✓ What you can do to support yourself through your grief – learn Kara’s best model and strategies
- ✓ What everyone needs to know about supporting a grieving parent
The important take-aways from this episode are:
- When you lose a baby, no matter at what term, the grief of loss is all-consuming. Yet, even though it may seem impossible at the time, it can lead to tremendous personal growth Podcast [4.02], TV [3.32]
“When I left the hospital I remember how empty I felt. I had particularly empty arms because I had no baby to take with me.”
- The 5 Stages of Grief are real and you may feel them all. However, grief is not linear.
When you lose a baby, the grief you experience is your experience. There is no “right” way to feel, or order you must feel your grief in. Let it feel for you how it feels for you Podcast [6.19], TV [5.49]
The 5 Stages of Grief are a cycle that can include:
– Denial and isolation
Adapted from Elizabeth Kubler-Ross’ book On Death and Dying (full reference below in Mentions in This Episode)
- Kara found a model “growing around grief” which resonated with her during her transition through her grief. She explains in detail: how it helped her, why it is so important, and how it could help others Podcast [6.45], TV [6.15]
“I’d sit in the park and feel the sun, and it reminded me I was alive.”
- Society has certain expectations of how you should handle your loss, and they are often not real.
Find out Kara’s way to create your own expectations around your loss Podcast [10.17], TV [9.47]
- “I was a mother but people didn’t acknowledge me as being a mother.” Podcast [10.28], TV [9.58]
People are afraid to speak to mums about their loss. Maybe it’s because they don’t want to hurt them or because they don’t know what to say. However, it is important to recognising the mother, her baby and the trauma she has gone through. Kara has some amazing tips on what to say to a mother who has lost her baby.
“I craved for her name to be said – that acknowledgement that she existed.”
Mothers who have lost their baby may not have their baby in her amrs, yet they still go through matrescence, as well as coping with their loss and grief.
Matrescence – the transition from woman to mother – is one of the most life-changing transitions a woman will ever go through.
We are changed – physically, psychologically, emotionally and spiritually.
- We need to talk about grief surrounding the loss of a child much more in society. It is real, and it is common. We need to raise awareness and normalise baby loss. Grieving parents need to be supported properly Podcast [14.03], TV [13.33]
- Learn the 5 little words you should say to any grieving parent Podcast [17.34], TV [17.04]
Listen to how you can support someone in their grieving, especially if you feel uncomfortable or don’t know what to say.
- Kara’s best strategy she used during her grieving process Podcast [20.09], TV [19.39]
Find out what worked for her and what didn’t.
“Slowly I started to get a bit of a sense of self back.”
- Grief can lead to personal growth Podcast [34.01], TV [33.31]
Baby loss grief is a different journey for everyone. Don’t let anyone tell you what you need; you need to feel what it is you need. In your own time you will gain strength and courage from your trauma and suffering. Eventually your life will grow back.
“It lead me down different paths in my life I would previously not have been brave enough to try”
- It’s never too late to learn from, and address your baby loss trauma Podcast [37.29], TV [36.59]
You will know when you are ready. You CAN get through to the other side.
Hear the full episode. Simply click on your favourite podcast app below.
Or hit play and watch the full episode on YouTube.
I would love to hear from you
What insights did you have when you watched this episode?
How could these potentially change your motherhood experience and life?
Leave a comment below and tell us about it! Many mums come here to find support, and your experience or story may help one of them.
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Mentions In This Episode
The 5 Stages of Grief by Elizabeth Kubler-Ross in her book On Death and Dying
An explanation of this model can be found HERE
Kara used her courage and artistic genius to start her own business upcycling old furniture to make it new again.
Kara is incredible! Please check out her work.
Mental Health Support Services
If the topics in this episode are triggering for you, or if you feel you need support, please contact you doctor or local mental health line.
If your country is not listed please search “Mental Health Line” in google in your country.